No explanation necessary

 In most recent months, It has become glaringly apparent that I need to remind myself that I am enough and that I do not need anyone’s permission to allow myself the things I need in order that I may be the best person that I can.  Nobody understands the life of a caregiver, but a caregiver. Sometimes we  as caregivers have to remind ourselves that we need to take even better care of ourselves than those who are in our care. Well that may not make sense to many, it makes complete sense to me, or people who have even more responsibility than Me, when it comes to comes to caregiving.

 You see, as strong as we are for those in our lives that we care for, we are still actually very vulnerable at our core. Many do not understand that and see our times of quiet, and distance, as something being wrong with us and they do not try to understand. I have to remind myself, thanks to those in my life who are here to tell me, that I am worthy and I do need to take better care of myself if I am to be the best person that  I can.

 So it’s OK for me to have downtime. It’s OK for me to be vulnerable. It’s OK for me to be, or at least feel, week. It simply means that I am human, I am tired, and I need to remember that I am worthy and I am enough! No exclamation is necessary. No excuses need to be shared. No more.  I am Not less than. I am not second rate. I am not slow or lazy. I am me, I need to take care of me, and no one else needs to understand that more than I do! To my friends and the people who have truly been there and understand this, a heartfelt thank you! And now, it is time to do more to consistently take care of me!

Drinking the Kool-Aid

In my ongoing search to find what "it" is ... my dwindling resiliency has yet again spoken to me, as of recent - and here is what it had to show me:




First, I joined a "circle" within a large group called LeanIn some time ago and have, admittedly not be as engaged as I should be to learn, grow, and challenge myself to be the person I can be. From that group, I've been in smaller circles, surrounded by some amazing women (and men) who have pushed themselves to do exactly what scares the hell out of them to be who they were meant to be.  When it came to the topic of developing my own Personal Board of Directors, and another topic of bravery, I allowed myself to share my vulnerability and not only ask a few members to be on my Board but told them why I needed a push - they were supportive and responded in kind with many suggestions and support - and so this journey to scare the HELL out of myself slowly begins.


Secondly, my Aikido Sensei has this amazing (6th sense) ability of awase' (blending/perfect timing) when it comes to knowing exactly when to randomly reach out to me and my family.  As I look back on many of the times when I was feeling most challenged/frustrated/isolated, I'd receive a call/text/email from him, be it indirect as a group email with a (I shall call it hidden) message, or direct to me as a check in.  Throughout these check-ins, I have felt this gradual sense of needing to "get back on the horse" and rejoin my fellow Aikidoka on the mat and in living life again.  I have been MIA for the most part of over a year in dealing with family and health issues and my practice has suffered.  My Sensei has walked the talk and tells me to "come when I can" and that I am always welcome/part of the family.


My tendency to be "all-in" has not always served me well in the past because I dive into the deep end of the pool and try drinking ALL the Kool-Aid before I am ready (old habits die hard).   I am hopeful that my circle of support continues to grow and I slow my roll but maintain my course so that I may find that sense of balance again.  I am reminded by the image below (my sensei and his son, training in Japan) that we are all essentially children at different phases in life and continually learning.  May I find that inner strength to be that person I am meant to be!

The (continuous) winds of change

Without sounding cliché', there comes a time (or in my case TIMES) in everyone's life where you have to dig deep down and ask yourself, "what do I want to do with this life?".  I do this to an almost ritualistic level.  Problem is, my definition seems to keep changing and I cannot wrap my head around what "thing" will stick and give me the more clear cut direction.  I feel as though there is something that I am waiting for, but don't know what that would be.

Awhile back, a very spiritually gifted friend who had done healing work on me indicated they sensed I had someone or something looking over me and also asking me what I was waiting for.  That was most curious and I have wondered since that session exactly what that means.  Is this, perhaps, the beginning of a more true direction for me.  The last several years have been the most stressful and unhealthy for me in many ways.  I have, admittedly, back-burnered myself for the sake of caregiving and a career full of promises that did not deliver.

Of the things I have tried the most, getting back on track fitness wise has been more successful.  The unfortunately part is that in learning what I truthfully can and cannot do, I have had to back out of something that has brought the most to my life - and that is a tough struggle for me.  Those I've trained and traveled with over the last few years have become a 2nd family to me.  But the one consolation is that we are still family, just in a different way.

So here's to yet another path, another direction, another set of challenges ...

End of a Legacy

Today I was once again reminded of how precious life is and the gift we've been given. Stanley Pranin Sensei passed away on 3/7/2017. His dedication to Aikido shall always be remembered. His passing  was very near the anniversary of Kwabe Sensei's passing; marking March as a memorable month- this was also an anniversary of my paternal grandmother's passing.

Life is precious and all too often we take it for granted. Tomorrow begins a healing journey for me. How bittersweet this month shall be.

Here's to making things stick

Accountability.  A word that is often spoke of, but very difficult to achieve – especially when it means we need to challenge ourselves in our habits, our choices, and our behavior.    Recent developments in my health, home, and Work situations have forced me to truly begin to be more accountable to my own self-care, self-preservation, and learn more about my own self worth.

 Somes times being accountable means doing things that scare the hell out of yourself or things that are completely new in order to break the cycle.  If I sit down and think about where I am in my life, there are many things that I would like to work on, change, start, stop, I just improve. The tough part is finding where to begin without being so overwhelmed that I try in a wrong direction.

 In reading a friends recent blog, I was once again reminded of one problem that I continually have that leads to some of my downfalls, that is the act of forgiveness. I am referring to forgiving myself but I make mistakes or feel that I have fallen short on goals that I have said in the past.  My high level of anxiety and energy around the continual needed to feel that I must change and improve sometimes the rails even my best efforts.

 For the first time in a long time, I attended a group that I have wanted to be a part of for a long time it seemed to have things come up or even just plain lame excuses for not going. Why? Because this group is all about self in power meant, growth, accountability, and doing things that scare the hell out of you. It's that last part that probably kept me  at bay. I'm glad I finally made a group meeting because I met some wonderful women and we started an accountability group.  I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and the timing of this group meeting came right behind an email from a friend out of the blue that may offer me some direction out of a job that I have been dissatisfied with for a very long time.    The trifecta in all of this – this weekend was more physical healing for me and I actually found myself involved in watching if you documentaries that speak to empowerment, spirituality, balance, and self worth. It seems that the stars are finally beginning to align in the messages that I  and receiving – I need but listen to the right ones and stay focused. Back to the drawing board of goalsetting and forgiving myself but making things stick.



Inn Saei

Why am I so angry?

 I've been noticing some things about myself more recently, things that I am really not liking to be completely honest.  I have not been dealing with stress in the ways that I should and it feels as though it is coming out in ways that I do not like.  Time to do some soul searching and homework.

The John Lennon Clause

Today marks "one of those days" where I'm reminded of things I promised myself and Kiiiiinda let slip by the wayside (you know who you are 😎) - so here goes!

I have been approached more than once by friends and associates in the fitness industry who say "you're perfect for <insert workout/fitness/food program name here>!!!"  Here's the deal, folks.  I am NOT a salesperson.  I am NOT  a professional in the health and fitness industry and even if I were, I would not ever put myself out there as someone who knows everything and you should listen to.  That's not who I am.  I am an introvert.  I am a caregiver.  I am someone who wants people to succeed and also that person who sometimes allows my empathy to get the best of me.  Now, had you approached me back when I was in my early 20's and lacked the life experiences that I have now, my answer would have been much different.  I was competitive.  I was brazen.  I was MOST ignorant to many things (still am, but I have learned much). 

That said, I'm picking up from my most recent restart and valuing myself more, honoring myself more, taking better FULL care of myself, and allowing me to be more of myself than I have been for many years and that's a tough gig for me!  In the last year I have had to back out of some of my previous commitments due to what I refer to as The John Lennon clause; "life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.".  Having not lived much of my life completely on my own terms, finding who I am inside and out is a continual learning experience and I am looking forward to what the NEXT 50 years will bring (that's right, I said FIFTY)!

As the sun sets on an amazing day outside, I retire to my version of a WOD (workout of the day) to reaffirm that I have it in me to be more ...