What the HELL am I thinking?

What the HELL am I thinking?

"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most."

~ Mark Twain

Anyone who knows me understands the fact that I'm an all or nothing kinda gal.  When I decide to try something, I dive ALL in and sometimes end up paying the price for not pacing myself for the long haul.  How does that translate to my habits as they compare to my personality and strengths?  Well LET ME TELL YOU ...

Case in point (as it relates to my health and wellness):  In the last 20 years I've abused my body in two different martial arts, weight training, more home workout programs than I can shake a stick at, and most recently, invested in an online membership that comprises of multiple discipline workout styles, eating and diet plans, blogs, progress tracking options, and a few other bells and whistles. 

How this translates into my current state of physical activity and wellness has been a hodgepodge of results; some positive, some not so much. 
What did I do to make the "not so much" be just that?  I did not stick with it, had no accountability partner(s), fell victim to my own care-giving behaviors for others that resulted in my own lack of self-care. 
When did I finally realize this dangerous combination?  I had several indications over the last 10 years that I was sabotaging my own success out of that voice inside me that told me I was not worthy, did not deserve, did not have time for, and shouldn't ask for the Holy Grail that is happy, AND healthy.  It did not begin to truly sink in until nearly a year after I graduated from college with my Bachelor's degree.  OUCH!
When did I change the record?  I started to get a real clue when my overall physical, psychological, and mental health had reached such a low level that I felt completely out of control that I NEEDED to get my shit together before I had nothing left to offer for myself, my family, my very life. 

Being a HUGE introvert and care-giver by nature, I often struggle with self esteem issues that result in a plethora of negative self talk that I have allowed to kick my ass on many occasion.  I am DETERMINED TO find my way of getting it right, knowing it may not be OK with others, and be OK with that (insert primal scream here).

Things I've started/done within the last month to get the ball rolling:

1. Committed to 2 workout groups that take me outside my home and make me interact with others face-to-face
2. Invested in the all-access version of my online workout gym program to better mix-up my challenges
3. Started a challenge group at work to encourage others and hold myself accountable
4. Applied for a different job (I've been stuck in my rut for over 10 years)
5. Ordered books, materials, and signed-up for groups that support my own self-care

Now that may not sound like much but if I am to get back to where I once was, or at least find my NEW direction, I had to scare the hell out of myself, step outside my comfort level, and find a way to STAY there - wish me luck and stay tuned!